Spidered R version
by Chapin CSI
Summary: GS COMPLETE. Set after Butterflied. Grissom shouldn't have to choose between his job and his love for Sara... R for some violence
1. Default Chapter

SPIDERED (R)

Spoiler:  Butterflied

This story happens a week after the events of Butterflied and it's R because there's a little violence.

There are also some out of character reactions…

My English isn't that good, so please, be tolerant…

This story is told from Sara's POV

A doctor told me today that I'm developing an ulcer; that I should take care of myself, have some relaxing activities outside my job. 

I kept answering 'I know, Doctor'; 'yes, Doctor', knowing all the time that what I really need is some resolution in my life.  Closure.  

I've had enough. I'm through with this 'hopelessly devoted' role I've been playing these past months. No more hoping that he'll ask me to work with him only to see him choose CSI Barbie Catherine Willows.  No more resenting my coworkers because he prefers to work with them. 

No more crumbling self-esteem, I tell myself. 

So I make a decision.  One that I've made before, only today I'm more determined.  This is it.  No plant will make me stay this time.  

But I can't stop loving him from one day to the next, and I can't leave just like that.  Not after what he said to Dr. Kyle.  I know that it sounds as if I'm about to cave in again, but I'm not.  

I just can't leave and then spend the rest of my life wondering if I should have done something else. 

That's why today I followed him home after work.

I've been standing on the sidewalk for almost an hour, gathering courage, trying to compose a speech in my mind.

I take a few deep breaths and, before I panic and run away, I knock on his door.

He's puzzled when he sees me.

"Sara?"

"You got a minute?"

"No" he says automatically.

"Thanks!" I say, elbowing my way in. Fast, so by the time he reacts I'm already in the living room.  I notice that he's been listening to a relaxation tape.   He's been reading too, and drinking tea. I can't believe that he relaxes by sitting on that unbelievably uncomfortable couch.  

I'm about to touch the book that he left open on the coffee table when I remember that I practically forced my way into his home.

I turn and face him.  He's watching me, his face expressionless.

"I'm sorry," I say, trying to smile "It's just that I need to ask you something and-"

"If it's about a case, it can wait until tonight," he says firmly

"It's not about a case.  It's personal"

He nods but he looks as if he's bracing himself for something he won't like.

"I… I'd like to talk about you and me"

Grissom flushes but otherwise doesn't react to my words.  After a moment, he clears his throat.

"I think you should leave," he says calmly

"Not until we talk," I reply

He's annoyed but doesn't insist; he simply walks to the kitchen counter where he has left his pager and his car keys.  I am faster.  I snatch the keys out of his reach and hide them behind my back.

He gapes. For a moment there's anger flashing in his eyes and I start to wonder if I am playing with fire here.

"You're not leaving, Grissom" I say as firmly as I can  "I asked you to give me a minute-"

"And I said 'no', Sara" He says patiently,  "You can't enter my house like this and-"

"House, huh?" I interrupt "Has this ever been a home to you, Grissom?" I taunt, stepping closer to him, "Has it ever been anything but a place to hide from-"

"Fine," he interrupts, his voice still sounding annoyingly calm "You stay here if you want. I'll walk" He turns and marches to the door, but I run and block his path  "That's enough!" He warns, visibly fighting for control "Sara, you're over the line here!"

"We need to talk -!" 

"Sara, there's nothing to talk about!"

"Do you love me?" I ask and he reacts as if I had slapped him. "Because if you do, we can work this out-"

"I'm…" he starts, then adds "I'm not discussing this here"

"Where, then?" I insist, but he ignores me. He just walks around me and goes to the door, but just before he touches the door knob, I'm there, blocking him.  I lean on the door,  silently daring him to touch me, knowing that's the last thing he wants to do.  Or maybe not.  He surprises me by grabbing my arm and shoving me away from the door.  I barely keep my balance but I manage to grab him by the neck of his shirt and to shove him back into the living room.

"Sara, for God's sake!" he hisses, really getting angry.  I brace myself when I see him coming and gasp when he roughly grabs my arm and drags me to the door; I use all my strength to pull away and manage to break free, but at the same time the keys fly out of my hand. We both watch them flutter in the air and then fall by the coffee table. I dive after them and so does he after a moment's hesitation.

I stretch my arms trying to get the keys but only manage to push them farther away; he tries to reach them, and I manage to block him until he simply grabs my shirt and pulls me away from the coffee table.

I'm mad now and go after him.  

We're practically wrestling, and while I have the training, he's angrier, so we're equals as we roll on the floor.  It's really a stupid fight because we'd never hit each other; we are just keeping the other from reaching those damn keys.

He finally grabs my arms and uses his body to keep me still.  I'm under him and for a brief  moment I muse about the countless times I've fantasized about this moment… 'Yeah,' I think, 'we're both breathless, locked in an embrace, and he's holding me tight…but in my dreams we never did this out of anger.'  

I stop fighting him.

He looks down at me and he flushes.

He's hard.  I thrust a little against him and he gulps.

"It's sad, isn't it, Grissom?" I whisper, bitterly "… that the only time we get to touch each other is because we're angry?"

For a moment he just closes his eyes.  

He sighs and rolls off me.  He gets up and stumbles to the door.  He opens it and waits there, not looking at me.

TBC


	2. Second chapter

Spidered (R)

R  but there is nothing explicit

I sit up.  My hands are shaking and for a moment all I can hear is the pounding of my heart and our harsh breathing.  

I look around and find the keys.  I grab them and get up but I don't go near him. I only want him to see that I'm putting his keys in my pocket. He looks as if he can't believe I'm doing this.

"Sara, please.  I don't want to hurt you"

"You already have." I reply defiantly "Many times"

"I know." He admits, after a moment "I am sorry, Sara" 

"You know, Grissom, if you told me that you are sick of me… I would understand why things have deteriorated between us. Why we don't even work together anymore-" I shake my head, trying hard not to sound whiny "I only asked you if you love me, Grissom; if you do, we need to talk and if you don't, it will be all right" Liar, I tell myself, but still I try to be reasonable "But I need your answer, because… because I don't want to hate you"

He looks up with an alarmed expression on his face.

"Sara, don't- You don't understand." He argues "You don't know me-" 

"No." I admit, "I don't."

"Why, then?" he insists 

"Because I'm not afraid" I explain, and I go to him.  I reach tentatively and caress his face. He doesn't move, but at least he doesn't flee from me, so I get closer and gently ease my arms around him.  "I love you" I say firmly. He doesn't say anything, but his eyes are expressive enough "Oh, Grissom, don't be afraid" I whisper, pressing my forehead against his "I'm offering you love, how bad can that be?  Take it". 

I kiss his cheek and then his lips.  Gently, trying to end his fears.  His mouth feels firm and warm, and it's sweet from the tea.   I pull back a little, to look at him. He's wide eyed, surprised at what I just did. I smile, feeling a little smug. 

"Take it" I whisper

He takes a deep breath and grabs my arms away from him.  He holds my wrists in his hands for a moment, deciding what to do.  Suddenly, he softly pushes me and pins me against the door.

I gasp as he presses his body against me. 

"Sara" he whispers hoarsely in my ear  "Do you want to go up in flames?" 

"Gil-" 

"Do you?" he asks defiantly "Go up in flames, until there's nothing left but ashes?…That's how I feel about you! And I can't do it. No matter how much I want you" he sighs and starts laying little kisses on my ear and my neck, sending shivers along my spine "I wish I could forget everything else" he whispers between kisses "Forget that it will not last; that tomorrow it will be all over-"

"It won't-" I pant, leaning against his shoulder, giving him space for more of those sweet kisses "It won't be over."

"Can't promise me that!" he insists and then he pulls back to look at me "I'd be risking more than you can imagine, Sara.  If I lose you-" 

"You won't, Grissom. Ever. If this doesn't work out, I'd still want to be here, even if it's only to work, or to talk." 

He hesitates.  We look at each other, and we're so close, I can barely keep myself from kissing him.  He releases my wrists.  

"Oh, Grissom" I can't hide my disappointment, but he's only moving his hands from my wrists to my hips.  He looks at me as if he's trying to memorize my face and my body, so close to him.  He barely nods at me, as if to say 'you win' and then he kisses me. Gentle, little kisses on my lips.  At first we don't know where to put our arms, and our noses bump once or twice. We smile at our clumsiness but we slowly find our place in each other's arms and our bodies fit perfectly; and then we are really kissing.  

Tenderly, he eases his tongue in my mouth, and waits until I meet him with mine. 

His fingers thread softly on my body.  Like delicate spiders.  That makes me smile and I briefly pull away from him just to see the look on this face. His eyes are half closed, and his lips are a bit swollen.  He smiles dreamily and kisses my cheek, while his fingers continue their exploration.  He rains soft kisses on my cheek, my ear, and my neck.  Even his beard feels wonderful; a little rough, a little ticklish.  

I sigh as he slowly lifts the hem of my shirt.  Just a little; just enough to slid his hands inside. I hold my breath as he fondles my skin and then he kisses me again. Possessively.

It's true, I realize suddenly:  It feels as if we'll go up in flames; it's scary and it's 

irrational -I  feel as if I'll fall in a lifeless heap if he lets go of me.  

We give everything and demand everything from each other as we kiss, and there's nothing tentative now in his caresses.   I press myself against him, desperate to feel more of him; I wish I could explore him too,  but my hands are laced around his neck and I love the feel of his curls so much-

I gasp when he gently cups my breasts, and I grab his hair and I desperately curl a leg around him just to reassure myself that he won't pull away from me, ever.  

He's murmuring something as he fondles me.

"You're so lovely…"

I cry out as I come. I babble his name, over and over, hiding my face on his neck, while he  holds me and quietly shushes me, reassuringly. 

It's embarrassing. I can't believe I lost control like this, so easily.  I can't believe his words alone– and his hands, too, I can't believe that's all it took-  Am I saying this out loud?

I slowly release the hold I've had on him –I'm afraid I've left bruises on his shoulders. 

He kisses every inch of my face and then he softly kisses my throat. 

I sigh, and I smile a little, thinking that now it'll be his turn-

"Give me the car keys, Sara," he says.

I blink; it's as if I'm waking up from a dream.  At first I can't believe he's asking me this, but soon I tell myself that if he made his choice, I have to accept it.  Or maybe I'm so emotionally drained that I can't argue anymore.  I look away when I give him the keys. He takes them and waits until I look at him.  He throws the keys away and they bounce off the couch.

We smile at each other.  I feel that we're equals in this, now. We love each other, too much perhaps, but equally and that's all I wanted.  

And yet… 

"I'm scared as hell" he blurts out.

I want to reassure him, but then I remind myself that honesty is the best policy sometimes.

"Yeah" I nod, "Me. too"


	3. Third chapter

Thank you for your encouraging reviews!

"I'm scared as hell" he had said…

We stood by the open door, frozen in each other's arms, unable to go forward and unwilling to pull back, now that we had come this far.  

He cleared his throat.

"Sara, I'm… I'm not…" he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to find the right words.  "What I mean is that I… I have not been with anyone… I haven't done this in a long time"

"Oh.  It's ok. Really, Grissom.  It's nice, actually." I smiled reassuringly until I remembered something "You… you and Lady Heather didn't?…"

"No" he admitted. "We just…" he suddenly realized what I'd asked and he pulled back a little "How did you know about her?"

"Nick told me"

"Oh. I'll kill Nick one of these days" He muttered. Then he looked at me "Sara, we didn't-  we did not" he said firmly and then released me from his embrace, but only to close the door.  He took my hand and looked at it, for a moment.  Then he smiled "Sara, do you know what our problem is?" 

"Well-"

He smiled "We think too much." and he gently led me to his bedroom.

But once we were there we let our insecurities take a hold of ourselves again. I mean, he thinks I'm beautiful but I know better; I just couldn't bring myself to undress in front of him.  He was feeling the same and in the end we had to turn our backs to each other to make it easier. But my hands were shaking and I couldn't even unbutton my shirt, while he kept muttering something about a zipper.  Impatiently, I tried to take off my shirt without unbuttoning it and I ended up stuck in it, my arms twisted like a pretzel.  

"Here," he said softly "Let me help you" and I felt his hands working deftly to release me and I suddenly remembered those fingers doing their spider walk on me…

"Please, hurry" I whispered.  He nodded, unbuttoning quickly.  I turned my attention on him and his stuck zipper.  We hurried with the rest of our clothes and got under the covers, naked and vulnerable.

"I want this to be good for you" He offered "I want-"

I hurried to kiss him because I couldn't bear not to be close to him now.   His body felt solid in my arms and I was about to slid a hand down… when he pulled back.

"Sara, I think-"

"Let's not think!" I pleaded, trying to go back to kissing.

"No, wait; I don't… I don't have any condoms here-"

"Oh.  Oh, I have one in my pocket" I said helpfully, and without leaving the bed I reached for my pants and searched in every pocket until I found a couple.  When I gave  him the condoms I saw that he was barely containing his laughter.

"What!" I muttered, blushing "I was just… hopeful-"

"Thank you, Sara" he said, putting them under his pillow.  He then moved until we were in each other's arms.

"I love your freckles" he said, softly nuzzling my cheek.  "I've always wondered if there are more of them…"

"Oh, they are everywhere" I said, a little embarrassed because I have them on my breasts and my legs and I hate them "I think I even have some on my knees-"

"Good.  I want to kiss them…" he whispered, kissing the ones on my chin "Each one… every one…"  and he did just that.

**

There was a murmur coming from far away…"S'ra…move…'ease"

Someone answered with a sleepy "Mmmh" Oh, that was me.

"S'ra… 'ease… move….'ittle"  

I was lying on top of him, and I couldn't move, not even a little.

I vaguely felt him move me until I was off him; I felt him leave the bed and heard him mutter  "…can't… tie this…" and then "Sh-… it's spilling!".  

I felt him get back into bed and put his arms around me.  And then we simply passed out.

**

I woke up a while later and at first I thought it had all been a dream, until I felt his arms all around me.

"Grissom?" I whispered.  

"Hum?"

"We will work together again now, won't we?"

"Yes, Sara"  he answered, his breath warm on my neck.  

"Good"

He sighed.  "I wish… I wish I had known-" he said, pulling me closer "I wish I had not been so afraid all these years"

"It's ok."

"I wanted you, it's just-"  

"Oh, Grissom, it's ok." I caressed his arm. "But I am sorry I fought with you.  I was angry-"

"It's ok.  I was angry, too."  He kissed my shoulder "Let's forget that"

**

All this happened some hours ago and I've just woke up and remembered –again- that it wasn't a dream; that every word, every clumsy moment and every heavenly minute was real…

I glance around his room, and notice for the first time that he has very few pieces of furniture here.  And no TV.  The walls are a pleasant pale green and the windows are wide and they let plenty of sunlight filter through the blinds. I like his room.  It's peaceful.

He isn't in bed with me this time, so I get up, feeling a little stiff. 

I wrap myself in one of his sheets and stumble to the bathroom.  I peer in the mirror.  Well, well; I look happy. And very, very smug.  I wonder if his expression mirrors mine?  

I  wash up in a hurry and go in search of my beloved entomologist, hoping he's making lunch, or calling for some take out.  

He's not in the living room. I look around and realize that there's a faint noise coming from an open door in the hallway.  I go back and I cautiously enter a windowless room that he apparently uses as an office. The only light in this room comes from the computer screen and it gives him a ghostly look.  

He's sitting behind a huge desk and right now he's frowning.  I'm frowning too.

"Grissom?"

"Hum?" His eyebrows move but otherwise his attention is on the screen.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting information-"

"On what?" 

"Something Dr. Kyle said-" he moves the mouse and clicks

"What?" 

"I think I might nail him for other murders"

Right now I couldn't care any less about Dr. Kyle.  I wait for him to say something else, but he doesn't.   

"And…" I clear my throat "Couldn't… couldn't you do this later?"

"No"

"But, Grissom-"

"I think I'm onto something…" He explains, his eyes fixed on the screen.

"Grissom"  My voice has a warning implied and he looks up at last.  We stare at each other for a moment.  We don't need to say anything; he knows that I'm disappointed.  

There's sadness in his eyes.  And something else… resignation.  

He's about to say something when there's a beep from his computer.  For a moment he's visibly fighting the impulse to look at the screen, but he can't help it; he needs to see the information he downloaded; he needs to know if he's right.

I wonder what I can say.  There is nothing, really.  

'What did you expect?' I ask myself.  'Did you think he would change?'

I feel cold all of a sudden and I realize that I'm standing half naked in his office, probably looking pathetic.  I turn my back on him and leave him to his work.

I think I'll get dressed, and… maybe tidy up his bed, anything to give us a little time.  If he's still working when I finish, though… 

I'm picking up my clothes, trying not to give in to sadness, but it's hard.  I sit on the bed for a moment, trying to decide what to do.

I can't help remembering; the fight, our first kiss- 

And the look of amazement on his face when he was finally in me.

And how he closed his eyes,  whispering "remember, remember" like a mantra, as if this was a dream.  I wanted to reassure him that it wasn't, so I gently rolled us until I was on top of him.  I slowly sat for just a moment so he could see himself in me.  And when we looked at each other…I shiver when I remember how we lost control then; how we just couldn't have enough of each other.  I'll hold on to that memory; the feel of his body, and the feel of his hands, and his fingers, tender and loving-

Oh, God, I'm trapped.  And I promised him, didn't I?  "It won't be over…I'd still be here."  And I want to be here, but I don't want to be on my own and only have him when there is no case to occupy his mind.

So life isn't so simple, is it?  He knew that better than me.  "Remember…remember…" he had whispered as if he knew that it might not happen again; that some day I would want more that he can give.  And all I wanted was a little attention-  

And he can't give it.  He's just being honest, isn't he? He can't pretend that I'm more important right now. He won't betray himself or lie to me by playing a role that he can't live up to in the long run.  His work will always be more important than anything else and I should be the least surprised.

And then something comes to my mind.  What if it were my case?  Wouldn't I leave his bed too, and try to find out if I could trap a murderer?  I think I would.  And he would help me.  

"I'd be risking more than you can imagine" he had said.  And now I think I understand what he meant.  He has been Gil Grissom, the Investigator, for most of his life and that's how he defines himself.  He can't risk that for Gil Grissom, The Man in Love, who is just too new to be more important than the other. 

He might never be.

But Grissom loves me, and I can share his two worlds, can't I?  I am his equal in both. 

I had forgotten that when I let Sara in Love take over Sara the Investigator.

I smile.  It all seems so clear now!  I want to run back to his office but I contain myself.  I calmly walk back and stand in the middle of the room again

"Hey." I greet him "Do you need any help?"

He looks up and smiles softly.  Hope really transforms this man's face!

"Yes, Sara" he says quietly, pulling a chair for me.   

I sit by his side and I gape.

"Grissom, for God's sake, you're still naked" 

"Hum?  Oh." He looks down, noticing it for the first time 

"Aren't you cold?" I ask, using half of my sheet to cover his shoulders 

"Yeah, a little."  He admits "Thank you," he adds, pressing a kiss on my cheek before returning to look at the screen.  I notice that there is an open bottle of Tylenol among his papers.

"Did you take Tylenol?"  

"I'm not used to wrestle on the floor, you know." He says, trying to sound severe "I had to take two; otherwise I'll feel like hell later on" 

"Really? " I smile  "Well, me, I still feel like heaven"

"Oh" he rolls his eyes "Oh, please" he says modestly, but he is flattered. 

I take a pill just in case, and listen as he explains what he has done so far.  I suggest a site and he lets me search it for him.  

Time flies.  He's optimistic about all the information he's gathered and I'm optimistic about us. I watch him as he reads the list of sites we visited.  I reach out to caress his neck, and I like the fact that he leans into my touch.  I gently massage his back, up and down until I playfully take a little advantage of the situation…  

He jumps and I chuckle.

"Grissom,"  I lean forward to whisper in his ear "You have a nice butt" 

He reddens but keeps reading.  

Later, he saves all the files and prints them while I label some folders.

We are finished.  We look at our work and smile at each other.  He presses his forehead against mine and then we kiss…

Oh, yes.  We have the best of both worlds. 

THE END


End file.
